If every day was a degree my life would have turned full circle from the worst day of my life last year. I was thinking about that last night.
If I were a CNN program I would be called “Retrospective” …. It’s true! I have done it ever since I was a teenager…. I remember the week after my prom working at Subway making sandwiches and going hour by hour in my mind thinking “at this time last week I was riding in a limo…. At this time last week I was riding around the capital with my head out the sunroof”… I’m a weirdo I know…
But in some ways I love doing it….
Last year at this time I was Henny Penny and I thought the sky was falling in on me for sure. It was a devastating time and in that moment I thought my world was ending….
360 degrees…. 360 days and I wish I could go back to that girl last year and take her out for coffee and tell her a few things before the rest of the week unfolds for her….
Like every little things gonna be alright
And that God knows what he is doing
And that things unfold the way they are meant to
And that she is better for the pain of this situation
And she is better for loving and loosing
And that this experience will free her in a way nothing else has in 41 years
That in the next 360 days she will experience this again
That she will try again
And fail again
That she will fall down
And get back up
She will get out of a situation by the skin of her teeth but she will get out
She will be devastated
She will recover
That she will loose two people she thought of as best friends
And find two more that teach her what that really means
That she will begin to see things and people in a new light
That she will go from being a girl that talks about God a lot to a girl that realizes words aren’t necessary when he’s there
I wish I could tell her she will be stronger and better and smarter and kinder from all of this
And I would go back and tell her to realize that she is the gift in this situation and I would tell her to not let bitterness consume her for as long as it does after this
That she will become friends with the girl that she will want to kill in about five days
That in 360 days her life will be at the most peaceful place it has been in a very long time and she will see things in a different way that changes everything for her in the best possible way.
I wish I could tell her that what she thinks is important now isn’t so important and that people only do what they can do
That she is stronger than she really knows
And that nothing not even love or deception can break her
And that she is ending her year with a lot of holes in her life
But ending the next one with an abundance of new people and faces and hearts she loves
This year I have tried things I didn’t know I would and lived a life I wasn’t sure I could
It was the most devastating on paper…. But the most fulfilling in experience
And I feel like I am the most authentic version of myself I ever have been
And I wish I could go to that girl who is about to crumble in five days and tell her it is all worth it every drop and then let her see inside my heart so she could see the change that takes place because of it.
360 degrees…..so weird to think that last year at this time I thought it was the beginning of the end
And now 360 days later I realize it was the beginning of a beginning….
I am so grateful to my life for heartache and experience and pain and even bitterness. I am grateful for legs that still stand and a hear that t loves and for 360 days to give me perspective. Grateful, for a God who is so infinitely patient with me and does not spare me the rod at times in order to refine me. Grateful for eyes that can see beyond the circumstance and realize the gift my entire life has been and a heart excited at the prospect of finally living it.
I am blessed I am blessed I am blessed…. And my bed is still my own…. I still sleep alone… I still feel alone at times… I still ache and hurt and cry and ask God why about a lot of things… I still yearn for a certain image of a life I dream about…
I still want to know what it is like to have someone say they love me and mean it enough to hang on no matter how steep the cliff is that we dangle over….
I still want security and love and assurance and guarantees…..
I still worry
And rob Peter to pay Paul
But I am the most grateful I have ever been in my life… and that gratitude stems from pain
This too shall pass…and I wonder what 360 more days will bring…. and find myself wondering ….
If pain brought me to this….. where will all this happiness lead me to?
360 days and I’ll tell you …..I’m sure
0 comments:
Post a Comment